Birthdays…

I’ve turned 30, and I’m a little concerned.Ā  On the one hand, my life is kind of a disaster half the time, I’ve developed way crazy health issues that have already effected mass changes in how I live my life (yes, that is supposed to be ‘effected’, as in ’caused’, not ‘affected’, as in ‘changed somehow’), I totally don’t love my job but am still concerned that it may be gone by the end of the year, it’s difficult to pay the bills some months, and I don’t know anywhere near as much as I hoped I would have by now.

My life may already be nearly half over, I feel like I’m losing mental faculties all the time, and I keep wishing that certain things could be different. I wish I could actually fix my truck up the way she needs to be, instead of piece-meal-ing her to death. (This last time, it was a whole new oil-pan-plus-huge-a$$-gasket along with gasket heads plus intake pipe when I went to do a basic tune-up. So sad.) The more I put together, the more falls apart, it seems. Sort of like the rest of my life.

I’m facing a rather large change–in the not-too-distant-future–in one aspect of my career, and I’ve found that this impending change makes me sadder than I thought it would. It also makes me very relieved–or at least it will once it happens. Probably–as long as it goes the way it should. That’s always a concern.I’m doing a good deal of introspection lately, too. I want to know why I feel like I haven’t done enough. I haven’t finished my degree, and I know that I could were I to actually follow-through with it. Am I a chronic quitter? Sure seems so sometimes. I don’t have trouble initiating things–it’s just always the follow-through that I seem to completely muck up. Why is that? It frustrates me a little, but I’ve begun to realize that it’s the biggest reason why my impending 30th is causing me so much consternation: I take on more than I can do at once, therefore I can’t do anything to the desired perfection, therefore I completely frustrate myself. Ergo, I quit, and nothing improves. Not so helpful.

On the other hand (getting back to it, and what a strange trip it has been), I am doing a decent job raising two good male human beings. šŸ™‚ They’re respectful, bright, and loving, and that’s really all I could ask for in little bitties. šŸ™‚ At the same time, I wonder whether they would be better off had I a degree in astrophysics or botony or biochemistry… Or would they just miss me more often while I was off working late in the lab? Did I waste my time for years and years, looking for the wrong stuff in all the wrong places, or was I supposed to meander around, discovering random crap until this moment? I know that life is not about the destinations, it’s all about the travels and discoveries along the way, but sometimes I have done things that even I don’t understand.

I am an extremely lucky girl in many ways, so I feel ungrateful when I believe I am whining about stuff that I wish I could have done or could have been and whatnot, but there are a lot of things I think I could have made happen, and it’s hard sometimes when I look at life and wonder if I have enough time to complete anything important. I’m scared, sometimes, looking down the road stretching out before me, feeling like I want to cry about all the time I wasted getting to this point, yet hoping that I will be granted sufficient time to prove to myself that I am worthwhile. Not a total slacker.

Thanks for reading. šŸ™‚

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